She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
