Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
