ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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