just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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