You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
