3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
