the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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