anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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