I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
