i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
