I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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