woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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