we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
