...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
