so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
