Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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