Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
