my mouth tastes like poor choices
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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