i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
