There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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