Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Michael Bay diarrhea
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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