Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
How's work?
Spinning.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
