You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
