i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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