please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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