cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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