FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
