Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I skipped work to stalk him.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So many bounce houses so little time
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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