the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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