I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
