I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
