I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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