Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
