I am midnight drunk by noon
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
