I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
