Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
