I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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