found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
not ubering you a puppy
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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