I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
