i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
