I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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