plz talk dirty to me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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