I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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