My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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