I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
