when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
