Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
