also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
