Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
