Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Is it because I queefed?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
