if i can run in heels then i can drive
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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