I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
