quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
